Breaking Down

I suppose for me to properly be able to describe what it is want to describe it is important first to establish the facts. From this you will hopefully see it as i see it, even if i an unable to make you understand. 

Since the 28th of May I have been living in some strange... state of mind. That day was the day, having finished the first year of university, and with no work left over for completion before September, I moved out of Canterbury and back home. I have been invariably sleeping dead into the afternoon, between 2 and 3 o' clock as an average, and not sleeping until, well its 2:30 now and i won’t be asleep at 4. I get up often with just enough time to, i dunno, empty the dishwasher, wash up a bit, iron maybe, do some sort of housework so as to appease my parents (and more importantly to me the feeling of guilt i get if i do literally nothing as opposed to next to nothing). 

On the 28th of May i was asked "what will i do for all that time?", all that time being the 3 months until term starts (never say degrees are value for money). I said I’d be fine, i love doing nothing. Unfortunately nearly 4 weeks in and i think i was wrong. 

This is the thing i wanted to describe. Living like this, with nothing to do, no real reason to do anything, no motivation... I’m going slowly insane. We went to a harvester yesterday. I started singing in the car park, i was still singing to myself hours later. This is not normal for me, a chronic hermit. I can’t imagine how much I’m annoying my family, but judging but how quickly we get into arguments this week, i think it’s reasonable to say that i must be very. 

when I’m not being plain weird, I’m being, well i guess I’m being myself, in that i revert back into cyberspace, flicking between websites, just 5 of them, again and again, despite the fact nothing’s changed for half an hour on any of them. Eventually i get so mind numbingly bored i stop even that and just, stare. 

I can’t go on like this so i propose to myself now a 3 part plan. 

Part one is to stop being nocturnal. That motivation to get out of bed to do nothing is quite hard to find, but it’s something that i will have to do. It really shouldn’t be so hard to wake up at 9 everyday, so that’s my first target. Wake up at 9, even on weekends (because every day is a weekend if you have no job) 

Part 2 is to give myself a long term goal. If i cant motivate myself because i have nothing to do, i must give myself something to do. I’ve already decided I’m going to learn how to ride a bike. (There are flaws to this one, such as the need for someone to do this with Me. details, details)

Part 3 is to think of short term goals. Why just get out of bed to stare 5 websites repeatedly? I don’t know what these will be but I’m thinking i need things to do every day, like wash the kitchen floor, hoover or even watch all the star wars films again. 

So there you go. That’s the plan. It’s a bad plan. It’s based mainly on thinking, what do i need? And then hoping that those needs will be fulfilled. Will i be able to think of something to do every day for a month? How about 3? I’m not convinced. At least I’ve got some things to look forward too, like narrow boat holiday and a trip to chesington. 

Still

Fingers crossed