Sometimes i feel like I’m in a perpetual identity crisis (and other times i feel like I’m not sure how you spell perpetual). Then i think that i remember reading or hearing somewhere that everyone feels like that at least once in their life. Probably more. Hopefully more. I don’t like to think of myself as so completely detached from the normal (here someone would pipe up that there is no such thing as normal, and i am going to ignore this person for now). Anyway the point is lately I’ve been feeling like this a lot.
It’s not so much the "who am i?" "What am i like?" sort of crisis. Maybe it’s better described as a worry about what i am to become. What will i do with myself since i am here and since i have a brain and all the right appendages and senses? The advice i am most often given, when talking about careers is "do something you enjoy", the goal being you will live for work, rather than working to live. I’m told that this is the greatest success will ever be able to achieve. For me this advice is horrible. Well, not horrible but useless to me, because to use it I should have 2 things.
I should be able to have some kind of talent, skill or great love for something that was embedded into my soul or something. That i just don’t have. If you asked me what is it that you most love, I’d tell you I just don’t know. I quite like wasting time on the internet and superhero movies and video games and general low level geekery. I wouldn’t say i love any of those things. I have no deep and burning passions to be involved in those industries either. Not to mention I’m missing the second thing.
The second thing is skill. The way the world is shown to me tells me that most successful people have a skill. Something they are just good at. Ok sometimes it will take a boat load of practice, but they will be good at practising it. They won’t just get frustrated and annoyed and, to be honest, a bit bored by it. They just want it. They have the passion, the love, so strong for it they just can do it.
It strikes me that in some ways you can’t be expected to have one of these without the other. it also strikes me that i don’t think I’ve ever met a person who has either and i don’t thinks that’s by coincidence.
So either the vast majority of people are not successful, or the definition of successful that I’ve been given is false. My head goes with the "it’s false" option. Because if most people don’t live is this world where they have their perfect job to match their loves and skills. I don’t think i really believe we have inherent skills and loves when we are born. You can’t be born to work in an office for a company that sells cardboard. That’s insane.
Despite knowing this i can’t help but flounder around wishing i could find my deep passion. The thing i could do, and do so well and be so happy doing. Maybe it’s because I’m only 19 and just accepting now that this world i was told about was a lie, that i just wish it could be true.
I’m struggling to come up with a coherent end to this ramble, because it’s gone off in a direction i wasn’t expecting it to. Add blogging to this list of things i have no inherent skill for. END
p.s. spell check didnt correct all my little i's into big I's but i cant be bother to fix it since this post is so rubbish anyway.
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